I think new couples should ask each other right off the bat where they want to live in the future. On the dancefloor if need be. "Hey, do you come here often? And would you prefer a flat in the city or a country house?" Because, people, it is a Big Issue. When you're still in the hazy golden phase of your relationship you think you could live anywhere and, as long as your beloved were there, everything would be fine and dandy. You're not thinking clearly. You're not thinking about is it in a good school district? Or will the roads be accessible if it snows? Or is there a bakery in the town?
I know I've talked about it before. And bugged my friends about it. And my mom. And my husband, too, of course. But it's still an issue. That thorny question of where we will live. One day when we have sufficient incomes to buy, that is. We're already compromising now living in between our jobs. And renting. But Remi's always made it clear that he hates the city. And even a small city such as where we currently live is the object of his hate. His dream is the smallest of small towns. But said small town is far from job opportunities for me, far from shops, hospitals. I honestly have a hard time seeing myself living there. And that's where the problem begins.
I suggest the word "compromise" again. As in, somewhere between our current town and his place of business. Which would likely mean more driving for me, that's true, but not as much as if we lived in said small village. But we don't seem to be speaking the same language, be it in French or English. We're hitting a brick wall and it's not that of our hypothetical new home.
Where you live does matter. As an expat I'm already uprooted in every sense of the word. I guess I'm a bit picky about where I want to plant myself again. But I have a right to say that this place pleases me and this one doesn't. And sure, when I watch a documentary about poor Philipinos living under bridges and in cemeteries, I'm ashamed I ever complain about not having a garden or wanting a real bedside table. But does that mean I should never give my opinion at all? Accept anything knowing I probably won't be emotionally happy there? I'm not trying to be down on my husband here. Nor air my dirty laundry. I'm just trying to work out what I want and where I want to be. So, bloggers, advice is welcome.
What are the "musts" on your living place list?
6 comments:
Oh goodness, I feel for you! I know that I am a big city girl at heart- while I love nature, the buzz and bright lights of the city just draw me in. I feel big cities provide a sort of outlet for your interests, because chances are a number of things to do in that city and a number of (like-minded) people to do them with. I can totally see how living in a small town, when you've already left all you've known back in the States, can be isolating and feel "not fair". I hope that you and the hubby can come to some sort of agreement!
Such an important question! My Frenchman is a musician and wants to move out of Paris so that we can have a house with a basement where he can practice without worrying about the neighbors. I told him that I would only live in the suburbs if I could have a jacuzzi and a vegetable garden (and maybe a couple of chickens), so we're staying put for now :)
You have to feel good about where you spend most of your free time!
My solution:
Move back to the States and to Auburn, AL. You can live in an old farmhouse in Notasulga or Lochapoka and only be 10 minutes from Auburn and the amenities it has. Not to mention BOTH of you would be able to find work. And JuJu could go to a great school system here – from K-to PhD if she wanted. Where you live does matter – because your happiness matters! And you know you won’t be happy in a small town in a house that is very isolated. Yes, there are people who live in far worse situations. But you have the great privilege to be in a better position. So move in the direction that leads to your happiness.
I really feel with you on this one. With my ex being a farmer and all, we were pretty much tied to living in the middle of nowhere, with no hope of ever moving to a city (or back to the US). I was absolutely miserable where I was - and the funny (or not so funny) thing is that by the end, I gotten so used to it that I didn't even realize anymore. It was only once I moved to Paris that I realized how bad things had been. In my case, the guy was 100% honest from the get-go and I didn't think it would be a big deal since I grew up on a farm, but I had no clue how isolating the French countryside can be. So unfortunately I don't have any better suggestion than trying to agree on a happy medium as you guys already have done.
I think Jessamyn has a BRILLIANT idea. In fact, I don't know why I haven't though of that MYSELF!!!! (You betcha I have.)
Right now, I'd say take one week at a time. If that Big Decision looms near, you guys will really need to sit down and work out the pros and cons, but don't ever bury your true feelings about it. They will only come back with a really nasty bite.
Gah, I totally can relate. At the moment this is something I've been debating about where I apply for jobs.
But I don't want to live in the city forever, and part of me doesn't want to wait until I am 50 to move into my dream home either (hello farm house in Tassie).
Your right, this is something REALLY important to be decided before the relationship goes too far (much like whether or not having kids is an issue or not).
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