Saturday, April 13, 2013

Existential Crisis #478

Yes, it's that time of year again.  When  things seem to be all fuzzy and I'm not sure I can find my way.  After a bitterly cold winter where we just focused on surviving, here spring has arrived quite late and is making me feel a bit at odds with the now brighter days. 

There was the job interview that in the end didn't pan out and made me wonder if I was doing the right thing after all. 

There is the house loan that keeps dragging on and ooops! the banker seems not to have gotten the signed loan application that Remi dropped off in the bank's mailbox. 

There is the itty bitty March paycheck that is really depressing.  Thank you snow day and sick day.

Then there was my aunt Jane getting very sick and needing to be operated last Monday.  And as always, being an expat makes these kinds of events rather heart-wrenching.  From so far away I can't do anything but call and email and send flowers.  And though everyone tells me that those things help, I can't help but realize that my loved ones are dealing with worry and sleepless nights and countless hospital visits.  While I can continue to live my life relatively unchanged.  Though of course I was worried too and was having strange dreams that I wondered might be premonitions. 

Now we're crossing our fingers things are looking much brighter for Jane.  But for me I realize with more than just a pinch in my heart that I will always be the one so far away when illness strikes.  Just as fellow expat Deidre mentioned recently.  That somehow I'm spared the weariness of these situations but also that I don't get to see those people as much to begin with to take advantage of our time on earth together.  And that is really tough. 

But I'll try to less of a downer for the end of this post.  My dad is coming next week and we'll enjoy our time together.  The sun is supposed to be out tomorrow and Juju and I will play in the greenhouse while Remi works.  My birthday is coming up and I will NOT be 40 (that will be next year).  And that you never know what life will offer you from one day to another.  Like how this old British guy took our picture today and it turned out so groovy.  So keep on keepin' on. 


Den nation said...

Yes, I also feel so guilty for not being there for my family and friends. I wish I could have a travel machine which I could step into and immediately come back out in Canada. Wouldn't that be great?

I hope your aunt feels better soon. I recently dealt with this same problem. You can read about it in my post, "New year, new beginnings."

Summer is right around the corner!

Crystal said...

I'm sorry to hear that the job didn't work out (and I definitely remember those small paycheques after "les vacances"...).

And I'm sending your aunt positive vibes to help her in her healing. Being away from family during hard times is one of the hardest things about being an expat. We cannot escape it, no matter how hard we try. Thank goodness for technology nowadays, though, that makes keeping in touch that much easier.

Have a great visit with your Dad and hope your spirits lift.

Deidre said...

Ugh, yes and yes and yes. It does seem to go in cycles doesn't it? Sometimes I go through the existential crisis for only a few hours and go back to being a happy expat, other times it takes days and weeks to recover.

Enjoy your time with your dad!

Anonymous said...

big hug M

I can't say anything I've not said before, us ex-pats just know.

Enjoy the company of your Dad, I remember you visited Amiens with him once!

big bisous