In between

I don't have full out baby blues, but motherhood isn't always rose, either. Last night I started feeling rather down, and I think sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it. Wondering if it will ever get better. If I'll ever have days when I can really accomplish what I set out to do. Believe me, my list isn't as long as it was pre-baby, but it just seems to take forever to do the littlest things. I have let housework go, and perhaps I spend a bit too much of my precious free time online. But I need an outlet. I need to stay connected to the old me who is still me, after all.

Those pregnancy hormones were powerful, I can see that now. I remember driving to work and practically humming, seeing things so very positively. I imagined life with baby as always good because she would be there, of course. After being so superstitious during pregnancy, I told myself as long as she was here, I would be happy. And of course I am happy she's here, and healthy and precious and all those things. But I know (as I knew in the back of mind anyway) that having a child doesn't magically fix all your woes. You still have the unstable, low-paying job. You still have to deal with domestic overload and taxes and disputes about what's for dinner. (Though my husband has been cooking most of the time now, which helps out a lot.) And that pesky cat who is ALWAYS underfoot. But don't get me wrong, I am very conscious of how lucky I am to have a little one. It's just human nature to complain.

And French administration gives me ample reasons to complain! Though it was quite easy to apply for my visa, retrieving it has been infernal. The first time I lugged baby there in her sling with a chance of rain, thus my bulky umbrella in tow. Only to find out that Wednesdays in August the office for purchasing the fiscal "stamp" was closed. Due to reduced personnel in that month of eternal vacations. Then another day only to find that the other office I needed was closed in the afternoons for renovation. Third time's a charm: today, finally got the durn thing. Saw my favorite smiley fonctionnaire (civil servant) who even jokes about being one (I'm serious about him being my favorite). Said, you see, we fonctionnaires do work. Until 1 p.m., I joked back, since they're closed in the afternoon. Met an Algerian couple with their two little ones. The mom said her little Sabrina started sleeping through the night at 1 and a half months. So jealous.

Please take a nap on my behalf.