I guess I've always been a worrier. But I thought I was getting better lately. It seemed I was stressing less for the little things and taking stuff in stride more. Maybe even hitting my stride and not obsessing over things at work, and being able to say, I can do this, I've done it before. And though that's still true to an extent, somehow lately I'm questioning everything.
In talking with other folks who are 40 and around that age, I see it's pretty common to start re-evaluating things at this age. It's just a number, but it does symbolize a bit of a turning point. Sort of a halfway mark at which we feel we must readjust things that have gone off course. And so I find myself constantly questioning myself about my career, my family life, Juliette's education, every little thing.
I've never been one to make decisions lightly, but now it seems to weigh on me more. Deciding on the course of my life elicits a sort of tidal pool in my stomach. It is truly a physical sensation and not a particularly pleasant one. And that's where I feel like crying out, stop, stop, I need a moment!
That's when I try to keep things in perspective. I remind myself that the little decisions I make in my life will not have that much of an impact on the world. But they would impact my happiness and that of those around me. In the end, does it matter so much if I do a job that is quite different from the one I set out to do? Or that I am not a perfect homemaker with a gleaming house? Or that I live in a rented apartment and really haven't got it all figured out yet? What exactly is "having it all figured out" anyway?
Yes, my friends, these are thorny rhetorical questions. But they sometimes keep me up at night (not the one about a clean house, mind you). And I'm desperately trying to breathe in and breathe out and relax. Coping strategies welcome!