I have also taken a big step (for me). I have started seeing what the French call a "sophrologue", a relaxation specialist, who is helping me to slow down and breathe. The techniques are quite like meditation and though this is something I have done on other occasions in my life, I am hoping this time the practice and the benefits will stick.
I have always been a checklist, do-er kind of girl. Always study hard for the test, fill in all the blanks, get the job done on time, receive a gold star and move on to the next project. Call it Type A personality, achiever-reward system, whatever you want. It gets things done but does it fulfill *me* in the long term?
But I found despite all the recongition, praise, good comments or personal feeling I had done a good job on something, I still doubted myself, got into a panic and flop sweat in front of bigger groups of students and felt altogether anxious. This was despite being well-prepared and even feeling things were going well. My body automatically went into fight or flight mode and triggered a nervous system response as if a bear were chasing me.
That is what prompted me to see a sophrologue. I was tired of anxiety or the habit of anxiety taking me hostage. My therapist said she couldn't necessarily solve all physical symptoms of my anxiety, but she is helping me to focus and take time for me.
At our second session when I told her I had been trying the abdominal breathing when I was at a red light, she said, well, that's good, but you've got to commit more time to it. The next week I made more of an effort to take ten minutes for me each day. It doesn't seem like much but with a toddler, a tween, a job, a house and a husband, those ten minutes can be tough to find.
Sometimes I do those ten minutes with Alex, watching toddler yoga and meditation on youtube. Or we dance to our favorite songs with my daughter and work up a good kind of sweat. Or when the kids are asleep I listen to a ten-minute meditation on my phone. Sometimes it is just watching what I want and not what the kids want. I say, my turn, and take the remote and watch my happy place baking show, Nadya Bakes, and Alex watches or plays next to me.
I just started watching Headspace on Netflix which explains the benefits of mediation in a light-hearted way and ends with a short meditation you can do on your couch (perfect for this couch potato).
Don't worry, I am not booking a flight to Nepal yet nor becoming a Buddhist monk. I am just trying to be still for longer than a second. To be patient with me.
I fall off the wagon and get irritated and frustrated still. But I feel a change coming over me. The other day I didn't get irritated when my 12-year old was getting crazy about her homework. I told her to take a break and come back to it when she was calmer. I say "no" a little more often because I feel my health depends on it. Strangely I feel like I need to speak my mind a little more (but that could also be age).
So I am on the path and I know there are times I will stray off it but I hope that I will continue to enjoy this walk. And remember it's about being, not just doing!
