Goodbye to
letting the kids stay up late because “no school tomorrow!”
Goodbye to
spontaneous picnics in the park and juicy watermelon that drips down our chins.
Goodbye to
vacation and relaxing and not thinking about work.
This end of
summer is even harder for me because I am coming off of one year off taking
care of my second child. You could say I
have had one long summer of not having to get up as early for work, of not
worrying about prepping for tomorrow’s classes (since I teach English). And more importantly, I got to spend this
year getting to know this precious person, my son.
Despite the
night feedings and groggy mornings, I woke up mostly happy to be spending time
with my baby and seeing more of my older daughter in between her school
hours. I never really got bored being at
home and cherished the one-on-one time with my newborn and just being able to
take a sort of sabbatical from work.
Now comes
the hard part. This back-to-school
season, in addition to my big girl starting her last year of elementary school
(!), my eleven-month old has been starting his transition into daycare. I held back the tears as I took him in for
the initial thirty minutes, sitting on the gym-style mats with the daycare
assistant, telling her about my son’s routine.
I then took a walk for the next thirty minutes while he was there on his
own. He did fine, though, playing with
the other kids and toys.
The next
day he stayed for two hours while I took my daughter to the library to distract
myself (and her). And then he stayed for
three hours and ate lunch with the other
kids. Unfortunately he got wise to the
concept that mommy was leaving him longer and longer and is now balking and
crying when I take him there.
Although
I am doing better than I thought with all this change, occasionally I feel a sadness
creep in. Just like the other day in church,
when we sang a hymn with the words, “be still my soul” and the tears started
welling up. My glorious “summer” of
bonding and time away from my job is truly ending. Be still my soul, no more endless play days
and nursing leisurely (though sometimes non-stop) in front of the telly or with
a book. Back to morning traffic and
rushed meal prep at night. Be still my
soul, less cuddles in the daytime, hello condensed evenings, bedtime stories
and go to sleep to do it all again the next day.
I know it
is just the way it is and I am lucky to have had this wonderful year to put my
life on pause and enjoy my children. I
am trying to embrace the change but I keep seeing my son’s little face in my
mind, the one I will inevitably see less of from now on.
Because it isn’t
just the end of summer, it’s the beginning of the separation. After day care
there is pre-school and elementary school for my son. My daughter will be in middle school next
year. Things keep changing and I can’t
stop it. I gave birth to these miracles
and from day one they start their journey to leave me. Be still my soul.
I know I
will get through it. I will find my new
routine. The hugs when I pick up my son
and the chatter from my daughter about her day will fill my soul, will make it
still again. It’s just that I have never
been so good at goodbyes. But I will
give it a try. And summer will come
again (next year!), albeit a shorter version.
